This is my response to Anyone Else Feel Like a Total Screw Up? | Doug’s Scribbles and Ramblings https://gleanermansblog.wordpress.com/2016/05/26/anyone-else-feel-like-a-total-screw-up/
Today’s words of wisdom stem from a conversation with a dear friend and co-worker. She is working hard on trying to improve herself and her situation so she asked me for my honest opinion on something. She asked, “Will you give me 3 areas in my life you think I could improve on?”
The answers to this came way too easily. You see, this girl is 10 years younger than me and is also a single mother. We’ve been there for each other through a lot of stuff over the last couple of years. She reminds me a lot of myself. So I realized as I was typing these things, I wasn’t only speaking to her – I was speaking from my own experiences, what other wise people have taught me, and I was speaking to myself on the things I constantly need reminders of.
So today – here are 3 areas in life I think we could all improve on . . .
- Love yourself. I know that we hear this a lot, but many of us have been taught that loving ourselves is selfish. The issue is, we spend so much time trying to do for others, that we have nothing left to give. We were given these bodies and these lives to TAKE CARE OF. We have to meet our own basic needs if we want to reach our full potential and have the capability and energy to love others.
So . . . GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK. You have overcome so much in your life! SO MUCH. Maybe you had a horrible childhood. Or maybe you survived the severe mental illness of a family member. Maybe you survived a horrific accident and had to learn to live your life all over again. Maybe you survived an unhealthy marriage or learned to move on after a betrayal. Maybe you’re a single parent who struggles to make ends meet. Everyone has a story and everyone has a struggle, whether they admit it to others or not. The important thing to remember is – YOU ARE STILL HERE. You haven’t given up yet!
Learn how to “teach others how to treat you.” Meaning, if you continue to allow people to treat you badly, they will continue to do it. Set clear boundaries on how you are okay with being treated and what you will absolutely not allow. And then let people know when they are doing a good job or when they are not. This applies for families, friends, co-workers, and yes, even bosses, managers, superiors, etc. We all need to be able to set personal boundaries in our lives.
Pay attention to your body and your emotions. Notice when you start to feel stressed and prepare for it. Preparation includes scheduling guilt-free alone time to pray, meditate, sleep – whatever you need to get through it. (Don’t think you have time to meditate or just spend quiet time alone? Check out this article on Pattern Interrupts.)
Start a journal. Even if it is as simple as writing down what you eat and what your emotions were that day – it is a step to learning more about yourself and what you need to survive.
Another tip, especially if you’re an emotional eater like I am, always have a favorite healthy snack nearby to devour in times of need.
The more you learn about yourself – the easier it will be to notice things and make the best choices for YOU.
I also wanted to share one final thing (okay, so actually it’s FOUR) that has been a huge help in my own personal growth. I’m still working on each of these in my own life – but the second agreement was one of the most freeing things I’ve ever done. I dealt with so much fear and shame in my own life, all because of what I was afraid others thought of me. (And I was probably making wrong ASSUMPTIONS anyway.)
So, Congratulations to everyone who is doing their best every day and making steps (no matter how small) to better themselves. YOU’VE GOT THIS!
I am ready for 2016.
I have some goals for the year, but I’m not making resolutions. Just an intention to do the best I can each and every one of the 366 (it’s a leap year!) days I am given in 2016.
2015 brought a lot of lessons. I renewed old friendships and reawakened feelings I had forgotten how to feel. I had my heart beautifully broken and am okay with it. I both failed and won at being a single mom – every single day. I started writing this blog, two novels, and several songs. I was diagnosed with diabetes, and began a journey to a healthier me (30 lbs down, so far!).
I turned 40 and the world didn’t collapse. In fact, it was one of the best days of my entire life. Over 40 Random Acts of Kindness were performed on that day and since and the world became a bit brighter. It was 70 degrees in Indiana in December and I got to hang out on the front porch with my very best friends, my tribe, the island of misfit toys, and just BE.
This past year, I cried a lot, laughed a lot, started singing again and feeling more like myself than I have in a long time. There were a lot of struggles, and even more lessons, but I realized that I am one lucky lady to be alive and have the opportunity to wake up each day and try again.
Here’s to you on the last page of the final chapter of 2015.
I have been writing poems, ‘ditties’, and songs since I was very young. As a young girl, my poems were often about sunshine and rainbows or silly, funny little things that I would write for family members. I still remember one of the first poems I wrote that I was proud of – and I drew a picture with it, and my mother added it to a collage she made of me that hung on our living room wall.
The View From My Window
The view from my window
is shiny and bright
when I see the view
everything seems all right
The view from my window
after a busy day
when I look out my window
everything seems okay
The view from my window
day in, and day out
leads me to know
without a doubt
That the view from my window
will always be
the sunshine and moonlight
that’s all for me.
I think I was probably about nine years old when I wrote that. I always believed that no matter what, things were going to turn out all right. Then I hit the dreaded TWEEN years and my poetry turned darker. It was often about the emotions I wasn’t sure how to deal with – but USUALLY, it was about some boy I was SURE I was going to marry, or the one who had broken my heart.
I was, am, and probably always will be a hopeless romantic, deep down in my soul. And even though so many people seem to compare poetry that rhymes with CHEESE and sappy greeting cards – I still cannot help but fall back to my roots when my heart is having trouble dealing with something.
So today – I am allowing you to read something I wrote recently in hopes that someone somewhere will relate and feel better about their own story, knowing someone else feels the same way.
Please be kind. 🙂
My Heart Remembers What My Mind Tries to Forget
Out of my sight for so many years
Thought I’d forgotten what he made me feel
How my breath caught and heartbeat increased
That very first time he looked back at me
My crazy heart brought it all back again
With his few simple words on that screen
I guess that it’s true, some things never change
Connections remain, sight unseen
He never professed he’d love me in return
Never offered me the world, now or then
He only agreed he would be there as my friend
And never leave without warning, again
He foolishly promised a soul-scorching kiss
If perchance we someday crossed paths
Maybe he knew, that time wouldn’t come
His pledge would have no aftermath
Yet my broken heart felt hope for a beat
Conjured pictures of roads not yet taken
Warm wind in our hair, our only care
To keep dreaming and never awaken
Curled up beside him in silence
We explored what we both dearly love
After a while, we trade words and worlds
And rejoice at these gifts we’re part of
Reveries never once meant to be
Hurt more than I cared to admit
I couldn’t be just his friend anymore
My heart was convinced he was IT
Why would I be given this chance
To love him and lose him again?
If only I’d known all this pain in advance
Oh wait, I did. Way back then . . .
But what if the first look, a second time
Lasts longer than we meant it to?
What if when our hands touched again
We felt ‘that spark’ and we just knew?
Stubborn, passionate heart of mine
I’m begging you, please, let him be!
I’ll be content seeing him in my dreams
The one place I’m sure he loves me.
“Thank Life For Happening,
Thank Every Twist And Turn,
There Is A Reason For Every Single Thing,
There Is A Reason For Every Worry And Concern.”
– Dante Jannicelli
Divorce is difficult. As I wrote about in Ripped Apart, no matter what the reason – anyone dealing with it goes through a myriad of emotions. One of the hardest things I had to deal with was allowing myself to fall out of love with the man I’d pledged my life to. I didn’t want to do it. It made me feel like a liar and a failure. So many things had happened and I had so much anger toward this person, it was so incredibly confusing. One day I hated him, and the next day, I just wanted to pretend everything was fine and start all over again. Because that was no longer an option, I had to somehow let my heart heal and stop loving him.
I actually begged and pleaded with God every day to take the love I had for him away. Loving him was only hurting me more every single day. I needed to pour my love into my children who still needed to love their Dad, but the hurt just wouldn’t stop. It was overwhelming.
I spent a lot of time just being angry. I had people around me who would constantly remind me of things that had happened so that I wouldn’t give in and go back to him. Being angry didn’t help, but it helped me stay strong enough to keep from repeating an unhealthy cycle.
He moved on to someone else very quickly, which caused my anger to turn to hatred that was really just my heart aching even more. There were certain songs, certain movies, and certain places that I had to avoid because it hurt so much that I couldn’t breathe being reminded of happier times, and sometimes not so happy times.
Almost a year after we split up, I had a moment where I realized that my feelings were finally changing, it didn’t hurt so badly, and that I wasn’t angry ALL of the time. I knew that I could be thankful for the relationship because I learned from it, and it brought me my 3 awesome kiddos. And yes . . . I finally knew that it was okay to not love him anymore.
Except for one day.
My ex and I were married in August of 2001. Less than a month after we were married, something happened that tore the fabric of our nation and anyone who was alive and old enough to remember it was forever changed. I was at work in Customer Service when my manager told me her husband had called and said that a plane had hit the World Trade Center. My best friend who worked at the desk next to mine turned on her radio and we listened in horror as the events unfolded that morning. At lunch time, I met my new husband at his mother’s house and we sat on the floor of the living room watching the news. We said little, but held each other as we wondered what it all meant. And that day, I was so very thankful that I had him to go through that with.
Every September 11th, I remember those moments. It is the one day that I allow myself to love him and be appreciative that I had him in my life when the entire world was falling apart. And that is enough.
“You cannot close the acorn
Once the oak begins to grow
And you cannot close your heart
To what it fears and needs to know
That the hardest part of love
And the rarest part of love
And the truest is part of love
Is the letting go . . .”
[lyrics from Steven Schwartz’s Children of Eden]
I finished reading this and just sat and stared at the screen. Please read all of the way through. This one is an ouch and a wow.